Episode 7: How to gain more INFLUENCE in your teen's life by letting go of your need for CONTROL

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 I want to talk to you today about the idea of having an influence over your child's choices instead of having control over their choices. I work with parents all the time who are very frustrated that their teenagers never seem to want to take their advice about anything. And we all know the stereotype about teenagers that they think adults are out of touch, they don't want to listen to anything that we say, they think that our advice is outdated and irrelevant. And they're not going to listen. And really we see that in so many movies, so many TV shows, it's all over social media, it's in a million memes. And so this is the image that we have of teenagers — that it's normal for them to reject any advice or input from adults.

But I want to tell you that as a teen therapist, I've worked with dozens and dozens of teenagers over the years who actually tell me something different. What they tell me is that they really do want input from their parents. They really do value their parents advice. But what happens is that every time they approach their parents, or at least in their mind, every time they approach their parents, they feel like they immediately get told what to do. Or they get lectured. Or they get some kind of life lesson. Or they get a story from 30 years ago that doesn't feel very relevant.

So when this happens often enough they start to feel like “I'm not going to go to my parents for solutions because I don't feel like it's helpful.” And so we're at this impasse where teenagers do maybe want your advice, but they don't know how to ask for it or they don't feel like they're getting feedback in a way that's helpful.

And then when I talk to parents, what strikes me is that they often approach this as a binary choice and they see two different extremes for how this is going to go. They see one option where they can be really controlling and they tell their teenager what to do and how to do it and when to do it and “you're gonna do it my way because I said so” and it's very controlling. They worry that if they don't do it that way then the only other choice is for it to just be a free for all where their teenager is doing whatever they want, whenever they want and making lots of terrible choices. And of course they don't want that so then they revert back to being controlling.

What I want to offer you today is that there really is a middle ground between being really controlling and letting your teenager's life be a free for all. And what I call that middle stance is the opportunity to be an influence in your teenager's life. Instead of being controlling, to be in a position of influence. And what do I mean by that? When you are a person who has influence in your teenager's life, that means that they see you as someone who has valuable things to offer. They are more likely to be interested in your ideas. They might be more willing to try your advice and your strategies. They see you as someone influential and valuable in their decision making.

So that sounds great, right? That's really ultimately what we want. How do we accomplish that? How do we escape this pull to be really controlling and escape this fear of just a free for all where they do whatever they want and we arrive in the middle at this position of being influential in their lives? What I'm going to share with you today are the three steps that I teach parents in my practice for how to accomplish this idea of being an influence in your teenager's life and letting go of control and not just letting them do whatever they want, but being in a position of influence.

For the sake of walking through these steps, We're going to imagine that your teenager has approached you with a dilemma that they have about which summer job to take.

Let's say they've interviewed for a few jobs, they've been offered two or maybe three, and they're really struggling with which one to take. And so they are approaching you and telling you about this dilemma that they're facing. Okay, so that's the scenario we're going to work from. With that scenario in mind, here are my three steps.

Step number one: we as parents need to get better at listening. We just do. We need to learn how to listen. And when I say listen, I'm talking about listening without judgment, without that body language and kind of eye roll that shows our teenagers what we think even if we're not using words. We want to listen without interrupting and without interjecting our advice. At least not in the moment that they are telling us the story and explaining the dilemma. Our head might be spinning with ideas for what we want to say, and ideas that we have, and thoughts that we have. We want to keep that to ourselves while they are sharing their story. We want to give them the space to just think out loud about this dilemma that they're facing, this choice, this decision that they're trying to make.

Step number two: after we've listened intently, we want to start asking some questions. But, these need to be open questions that are based in curiosity. We don't want to start in with the logistical questions —What are the hours? What do they pay? How are you going to get there? Those are not the questions that are relevant at this point for this job seeking dilemma. Instead, we want to ask curious questions. We want to ask things like — what's exciting to you about option A? Or what concerns do you have about option B? We want to ask questions that just invite more information and that kind of require our teenager to reflect on the decision that they're trying to make and really help them start to flesh out how they feel about this decision that they're making. But we're not asking like interrogation type questions. We're just asking questions that invite more input. So now that we've listened, we've asked questions, we've listened some more, we're going to move on to step number three.

And step number three is what I call the magic question. After you've listened to their entire dilemma, You are going to ask this question: “Are you interested in hearing my thoughts on this?” And it's a very simple question, but the reason I call it the magic question is because it puts power and control back in the hands of our teenager. And really, at the end of the day, so much of this, the communication struggle and the power struggle that we end up having with our teens is about them wanting to feel like they have some control.

There's so little in their lives that they actually get to control and that's really what they're craving. They want to feel like they are in the driver's seat and they get to make decisions. And so what we're doing is we're putting this decision back in their lap and we're saying, “you get to decide if you want to hear my advice about this.You get to decide if you want my feedback”.

So again, that magic question is, “Are you interested in hearing my thoughts on this?” Now, that sounds amazing, and you’re thinking “I can totally do that. That's easy. I can put the power back in their hands.” But the reason it's so hard as a parent is because when we do this, we're also giving them permission to say no.

They might say, “Actually, no I don't want to hear your advice about this. I'm not interested in what you have to say. No, thanks. I don't want your feedback. I'm going to make my decision myself.” But knowing that they have that power really is the key to this whole communication. The fact that they're allowed to say no makes them so much more likely to come approach you with questions in the future.

And it has the added advantage that this is a really good life skill for our teenagers to have. It's good for them to know that in any situation, they're allowed to present an idea and they're allowed to say, “I actually I want to make this decision myself and I don't want any feedback right now.”

Now, in my own family, my kids are now 20 and 22, we've worked on this skill for quite a while and my kids have gotten really good at gauging for themselves whether they want some feedback or not. And so I'll tell you, sometimes they'll enthusiastically say, “yeah. I do want to hear your thoughts!” Sometimes it's a little begrudgingly and they'll say, “fine, yeah, tell me what you think.” But there are other times when they will say to me, “actually, no thanks.” And often they’ll explain this response with “I'm really worked up> I'm angry about this. I'm not in a good place to receive feedback. I'm not going to respond well to what you have to say, and so no I don't want to hear that right now.” Or they'll say, “I do want your feedback, but not right now. Maybe we can talk about it later.” And I just think that's an incredible thing for them to have the self awareness, to know if they're ready to hear feedback and also to feel like they have the power to decide whether or not they want to hear from me.

Now, as much as that's a beautiful thing, as much as I think it's a great life skill, and I think it invites more conversation rather than shutting down conversation, I will tell you that what's really hard about this technique is that sometimes they don't want your advice. And that can be really hard to take.

Sometimes we feel like we know exactly what they should do. And to not be allowed to tell them that can be really hard. So we have to practice on our end getting comfortable with being okay with them saying no. And then the other part of this that can be really hard is they might say “yes, sure, give me your ideas.” And we might share our ideas and our advice and our input, and even after hearing that, they might say, “I hear you. I get it. But that's not the choice I'm going to make.” And again, we have to learn how to be okay with that.

Now, I want to throw in a caveat about this, and I want to clarify — I'm not talking about choices that have to do with their safety. They don't get to make choices that are going to put them in a position that's not safe. As I mentioned earlier, that's a moment where we are allowed to be controlling and we need to go into the “you're going to do it because I said so” mode. I'm not talking about decisions like that. But a decision like this example where they're trying to decide which job to accept, or maybe they're trying to decide whether to end a relationship that they're in. Or whether or not to take AP courses or to not take AP courses. Maybe they're trying to decide if they want to continue on a team that they've been playing on. And then, of course, the big one, they're trying to make decisions about what to do after high school. Those are situations where we need to use this skill.

We want to put ourselves in a position where they value our feedback, or at least they feel comfortable coming to us with this dilemma, and being at least open to listening to our advice, knowing that they don't have to take it. I think the knowing that they're allowed to reject it is what makes them more willing to approach us and to talk to us about it.

If we truly want to raise kids who know how to think through a decision thoughtfully and invite feedback and listen to advice and then decide whether or not to take it or leave it — which is I want my kids to enter the adult world —then we have to get comfortable with letting them reject our ideas. And the truth is, sometimes our ideas aren't the best ones. Sometimes they're going to reject our idea and come up with something different and it's going to be better. And sometimes, we did have the right idea and they're going to reject it and it's going to fall apart.

They're going to accept the summer job that was not the best choice and then they're going to be stuck with it and they're going to hate it and they're going to be miserable and we have to be okay with that outcome. We have to be okay with letting them make less than stellar choices. Again, not about their safety, but just about these other things in life, and let them live with that. And let them maybe regret it. But we also have to be open to the idea that they might make a choice that's better than anything we could have come up with for them.

Now, some parents will come back to me and they don't like the idea that their child might make a “bad choice”. And what I would just say to you is this: if you don't operate from this position of influence and you choose instead to maintain a position of control where you just tell them what to do and they have to do it, inevitably you will reach a point where they stop doing what you tell them. That's just how control works. There comes a point where either they're not afraid of you, they're not afraid of the consequences, or they just straight up don't want to do what you say and they do their own thing anyway. So I know for me, I would rather be in a position where at least sometimes They listen to my advice. At least they're open to hearing my insight and my suggestions, and they may or may not take that advice.

I would love for you to give this a try with your own teenager, especially when they're really grappling with a decision, and they have approached you. Maybe they haven't asked for advice, but they're just venting or talking through this choice that they're trying to make. Give it a try, let me know how it goes, and as always, let me know what you think.