Episode 8: Why Won't My Teen Talk to Me?

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 I think every parent of a teenager at some point has said the phrase, “You can tell me anything. You can trust me with whatever you're feeling or whatever you're thinking or whatever you've done. You can tell me anything.” And while that's true, I've also had so many parents that I've worked with tell me, “my teenager won't tell me anything. My teenager won't tell me anything about their life. I'm completely in the dark. I don't know anything about what's going on with them. Why won't they talk to me?”

So we have to ask ourselves, Why is this disconnect happening? What is going on here? And while there are a lot of different factors that can be at play in this scenario, one of the biggest reasons that I see is that kids don't believe what you say. They watch what you do. And your teenager has decided for some reason, based on some experience that they've had with you, that they're not sure that they can trust you with the big stuff that's going on in their lives or the big feelings that they're having. And we have to really reflect on why might that be true.

So today I want to invite you to do some self reflection. Yes, this podcast is about parenting, but in order to be the best parents that we can be, sometimes we have to look at our own behavior and maybe make some adjustments. And so I'm going to propose to you four questions that you can ask yourself to start to figure out how likely it is that your teenager is going to be willing to share big stuff with you.

Now, self reflection is always a little bit tricky. Because it requires us to get really honest with ourselves. It can be a little humbling, but I always find that if you're willing to be vulnerable and to really dive in and reflect, it can be really powerful and it can lead to some important changes. So if you're willing to give it a try, let's get started with the four questions, okay?

Question number 1: How do you respond to the small stuff? And what do I mean by small stuff? Our teenagers share all kinds of silly, small, maybe even sometimes petty things with us throughout the day, throughout the week. I'm talking about when they hop in the car after school and either they're talking to you or to their siblings or to their friends and they're just going on and on about who's talking to who and who likes who and who broke up with who. And it's all of this friend drama that from our adult point of view seems silly and unimportant. And I want you to ask yourself, when they share things like that, how do you respond? Are you dismissive? Do you respond with “ugh, that's so silly. It's not even important. I don't know why you get involved in that. I don't know why you worry about that?”Are you dismissive?

Or do you jump in and start lecturing? “You need to stay out of that. You need to tell her to do this… She needs to do that.” Maybe you start telling them what to do, you get very authoritative and lecturing.

And either of those responses —being dismissive or being too lectury —are a guarantee that you are pushing them away. They are not going to want to share stuff with you if they feel like that's the reaction that they're going to get. So what can you do instead? Instead, you can just be a little lighter. If we're just talking about kind of silly friend drama, not anything serious, not anything hurtful, but just stuff that's silly and light, we can roll with it. We can laugh along at TikTok that maybe we don't think is super funny, but they seem to think is hilarious. We can ask questions like, “what did you do in that situation? What would you do if that was you? What did you think about that? What do you think she should have done?”We can ask questions that are not about solving a problem, but that are just about being curious and being open to having this conversation with them.

If they feel comfortable sharing the small stuff, then it's much, much more likely that they are going to feel comfortable and they're going to trust us when it's time to share the big stuff.

Question number 2: How do you respond when they share big stuff about a friend?

I think this is a scenario that has played out in every single family, probably throughout history, right? You have a teenager, they come to you and they tell you a story about a friend of theirs who made a bad choice and got in trouble. And I think we all know that when they do that, it's a test, right?

They want to see how we're going to respond. Ask yourself, how have you responded or how will you respond in that situation? Are you going to be outraged? Are you going to respond with, “I can't believe she did that. That is outrageous. You better not do anything like that. Do you know what's going to happen if you do that in my house?” Do we have that big explosive reaction or do we start lecturing? “I know you would never do that because we've talked about that a million times and you know what's going to happen, right?” And we dive right into lecture mode. Both of those reactions are going to teach your teenager not to come to you next time when they need to talk about something like that.

So what can you do instead? This is my favorite reaction to everything. You need to get more curious. We need to start asking questions like “what do you think about what your friend did? What happened when they got caught? How do you feel about that? How did their parents respond? Do you feel like that was an appropriate Punishment or consequence for that? How are you feeling about it?” You can share your opinion about what happened in a way that shows your teenager what might happen if they engage in that behavior, but without the outrage and the lecturing. So once they tell you the whole story and what the punishment was and how it all went down, you can share something like, “I think that's an appropriate consequence.That makes sense to me.”Or “I think that was a little harsh.” Or “I think maybe that wasn't quite enough.” You can share. Your teenager's really wondering, what's going to happen if I do this? And you can give your answer to that without it being in such an overt, outraged, and lecture kind of approach.

So you can still share that there's going to be accountability, but you can do it in a way that engages in conversation instead of just really runs from your authority. We want our kids to know that they can tell us when they've messed up. And that's what they're really trying to find out. Are you someone I can talk to when I make a mistake?

And what we want them to know is that there's going to be accountability, but that doesn't mean you can't talk to me about it. And that doesn't mean that I'm going to be mad at you or that I'm going to be outraged and start lecturing you. You can talk to me even when you've messed up. Even though there's going to be accountability, this is still a safe place to talk about it. That's the message that you want them to hear.

Question number 3: Do they see you as someone who's too judgmental? And this one can be hard. This can be just a hard reflection, a moment to look at ourselves and look at how we're behaving. And just know that our kids are always watching us, we know that. Are you someone in your own life who gossips too much? Or talks crap about people? Or talks crap on social media? If you're engaging in that kind of behavior on a regular basis and your teenager is seeing it, then they know that about you. They know that you're gossipy and judgmental. And sharing big, important stuff in our lives requires getting really vulnerable and exposing yourself in an emotional way. And if your teenager thinks that you're going to respond to that vulnerability with judgment, they're going to be a lot less likely to talk to you about stuff.

If you’re thinking — oh no that is me. I talk too much crap about people — it doesn't mean you're doomed. It doesn't mean your relationship can't be fixed. It's just a hard habit to break. And it's something you're going to have to work on a little bit at a time. One thing you can do, is just straight up acknowledge this to your teenager. You can let them know, “I've been thinking a lot about how I talk about people, and I'm going to work on that because I don't like how that feels, I don't like how that sounds, and I just want you to know that's something I'm working on in my own life.”

And we can just leave it at that and start making those shifts. But just know that if you are very judgmental, your teenager is going to worry that you're going to be judgmental about them and they're not going to want to share stuff. Even if you've never actually been judgmental toward them, they see you behaving that way in general and they worry that's going to be aimed at them.

Question number 4: Do you overshare about your teen's business? And I will tell you, as a teen therapist, in my practice, I hear this one from clients at least once a week. When I talk to teenagers and ask, “have you talked to your mom about this?” so many of them will tell me “I'm not telling my mom because as soon as I do, my auntie knows about it, my grandma knows about it, her best friend knows about it, my stepdad finds out about it, my mom tells everybody all of my business.”

And that can be a little heartbreaking to hear because what I'm hearing is that this teenager wants to share with her mom, but doesn't feel like it's safe to do that. Now often, when I bring parents into the conversation and we talk about this, about why this oversharing is happening, many parents will tell me, “I wasn't sure what to do about this situation, and so I turned to my sister, my best friend, my mom, for advice and for support, and I just needed to talk it through with them.” And I think once the teenager knows that, then they're a little less angry about it, but I think it's important to let your teenager know that and to ask their permission and say, “you know what, I need some help figuring this out. I'm going to talk to my sister about it, but I'm going to make sure that it just stays between us. Is that okay with you?” And explain to them why you're sharing. If you're just sharing because you always do that, then I want to invite you to reflect on that and ask if that's the best way that you can encourage trust with your teenager.

So those are the four questions. Now, I know that it can be hard sometimes to look in the mirror and to acknowledge that some of our own habits and our own behavior are getting in the way of good communication and a good relationship with our teenager. I think it's much easier to believe that all of that bad communication and conflict is happening because of the teenager. And some of it is, right? And we need to address that sometimes too. But it's important to acknowledge that sometimes it's us. And that sometimes it's our own behavior that needs to shift.

Now, I'll tell you, in my own parenting, I love it when I realize that it’s me who needs to change this. This problem that we're having, this is on me. This is my behavior that's causing it. Because when it's mine and I own it, then I feel much more empowered to change it. I know that I have the power within me to change this behavior and therefore change our relationship. When it's something that's not about me, when it's something random, or when it's the teenager themselves, then we don't have nearly as much power to change it.

But when it's us, that's all within our power to start to make some shifts and changes in our relationship. I want to invite you to reflect on these four questions. Maybe write them down, carry them with you throughout the week, and just start asking yourself, How am I responding to little stuff? How am I responding to big stuff?Am I being too judgmental? Am I oversharing? And you can start to make small adjustments in the way that you respond to your teenager in the way that you answer those questions. And if you start making those shifts, and becoming more curious, and not dismissing, and not being judgmental, you will be amazed at how much more they start sharing.

Because here's what I know for sure, after all these years of working as a teen therapist: your teenagers do want to share their lives with you. They do want you to be part of it. They want to hear your solutions. They want to share their ideas, their thoughts, their feelings, but first they want to make sure that you are a safe place for them to do that.

So I invite you to work harder on becoming that safe space.